In Your Face About "Resting Face" or Pokerface

Some house-keeping before diving in: This is something I still don't understand, and it's something not quite common in some autistic conversation, but for those who get it, please feel free to correct me on what I get wrong here.

I've had experiences where without even knowing it, I give off this...let's just call it... a "vibe." I'm going to list some quick things that happened to me followed by a story:

• When I was a kid, one of my parents told me that for some reason, a fellow kid thought I hated him when I really don't think that much about him at all.
• Classmates in high school would say that I'm creepy when I look at them, even if it's just briefly.
• Someone in college just randomly walked by and muttered something about "being a serial killer." Another tougher looking student simply just made eye contact with me, got half an inch from my face, and yelled "I HATE YOU!" I had no idea what his name is. I have no idea what he's into. I just looked at him confused as he walked away.
• In one job interview, an HR person hiring me asked if he said or did something offensive to which I replied no. In another job interview where I asked when I was going to get notice if I was hired or not, the interviewer said "I think in my heart, I shouldn't hire you." They could have said "We're looking for a more suitable candidate," but it had to be vibes.
• In my last job, where I just met my supervisor, she had to literally tell me, "Look, I'm not going to yell at you so just relax." I then had to disclose that I was autistic.

Now for the story that got me thinking about this. Two years ago while staying with relatives in Vancouver, one of them with no tact at all asked me "What exactly do we mean to you? You constantly need to be alone. Your expressions always look angry or sad. Why don't you look at people in the eye? Why does your voice always sound so lifeless and cold?" I then had to explain that relative got me all wrong and that autism makes me act, react, and talk the way I do. So this particular confrontation got me thinking about this post. It also made me realize something: this "vibe" I give off without even knowing I do it has probably cost me a lot of job, friendship, and long-term career oppurtunities.

When non-autistics make reference to a default facial expression, they call it a pokerface because it's the face used to hide the anticipation of winning or losing a poker round depending on cards in hand. Some days, I feel like when I'm asked to show my own "pokerface," I wonder if they're going to ask if I'm angry or sad, because I can see how just having my own default autistic expression can make some people uncomfortable. Sadly, some autistics refer to an autistic pokerface as something called "resting b**ch face." I'm not sure if it's called that because of Greta Thunberg or not, but I really think as a society, we need to simply work through our discomfort when it comes to how people present themselves (provided they aren't being a jerk). Some people walk confidently and that can be intimidating. Some people look scared and we should empathize if they do indicate how nervous they are. So why can't we simply either move on or clarify if someone is sad or angry when catching the "resting face?" And I also think we as autistics need to work through discomforts as well since we don't like it when some people talk loudly even if that's how they normally communicate.

Resting face is also called the flat effect in autism. Autistic people often express flat or neutral facial expressions subconciously. In cases like this, experience and external expressions don’t match the way they do in autistic communication. This in no way means that I'm bored, uninterested, or uncaring even if it does come across that way.

Autistic expression systems are wired differently from how others social expectations, and it's because of biological signals which I can't conciously control. Alexithymia is also in that mix which makes autistic social signals much more confusing facially speaking

My voice may sound monotone, when in truth I'm excited. I sometimes can't bring myself to smile at times when I'm so happy. Sometimes I'm so deeply moved by something that my expression doesn’t show my true feelings. Sometimes when I'm so overwhelmed with feelings, my face becomes even more emotionless.

The autism flat affect is all about the differences in social communication processing and coordination between my brain, face and voice, but non-autistics still think that facial communication for us autistics should still be relevant to emotional capacity. Many autistics feel intensely. We are full of empathy and interest in things. We have things and people that we love passionately, and things that make us so angry. We just don’t express those feelings the same way non-autistics do. And facial expression that's flat is just one of those many differences.

It's obvious resting face can't be cured. I can't even mask it because doing so is absolutely exhausting. And when I try, I can never let my face fall into a resting position even if it doesn't cause discomfort. Even suggesting to try smiling with just my eyes while leaving my mouth in a more neutral position can't just give a happy but neutral appearance. I'm told to smile to get rid of my resting face, then when I do smile, I'm told that "We're not here to kill Batman."

Let's be real. We shouldn't be judging anybody's internal experience based on facial expression, vocal tone, or vocal fry, especially if a person's condition or disability is affecting the way they express themselves. Autistic expression is real, just different. If unsure about what my face or my voice is conveying, ask me nicely how I feel.